My Complicated Relationship History with Emotions

I used to be totally disconnected from my body. Living mainly in my head, thinking obsessively, being super rational and floating around in the universe ungrounded.

Unconsciously, being in my body didn’t feel safe because I didn’t feel safe feeling my emotions.

I was scared of all the deeply painful emotions that I was forced to face as I was going through one toxic and codependent romantic relationship after another for many years.

I was scared to fully feel the loneliness I was experiencing on and off throughout my life.

After years of being in the queer closet, I was an expert at suppressing my emotions.

But life wouldn’t just let me off the hook, plus my sun is in Cancer. So not feeling my emotions wasn’t an option - which is probably why I had to go thorough some incredibly excruciating emotional pain for life to crack me open.

Some of the sadness was so big that I never allowed myself fully process it. At times, the pain and the suppressing of it would have me get stuck in depressive episodes, sucking me deep into a dark abyss.

Feelings of rejection and loneliness were my constant companion. I felt lost a lot as I was roaming the world as a digital nomad. I felt unworthy, unloveable and at times, lost faith in life and myself.

All in all, a lot of overwhelming emotions from past experiences and trauma were buffered in my body.

I had tried all the spiritual practices and healing modalities and therapy and coaching (here is a full list). They helped somewhat but not to the extend that I needed them to.

Working with a somatic psychotherapist and exploring other somatic practices was a huge game changer in learning to feel emotions in my body and allow myself to be with them. In the end, emotions are home in our bodies.

Then the breath and Breathwork entered my life and showed me how safe it can be to drop into my body and process big emotional experiences. In the process, I learned about the nervous system and how to self-regulate my emotions via the breath.

Today, my emotions and I are good buddies. Our relationship has evolved into an accepting and grounding connection. I’m not scared of them anymore - they have full permission to be here. They are an important source of information from my body and psyche and an invitation to explore myself and what is alive in me deeper.

One of my biggest learnings along the way:

Emotions want to be felt, not fixed.

In one of my next posts I will share how I deal with and process emotions like anger and frustration, sadness, shame or fear.