In March of last year, I decided and announced that I was going to shut down all my money-making business projects to go on a creative sabbatical and focus on filmmaking and photography projects without the pressure of monetization.

But in the last few months, I observed myself getting caught in negative thought cycles around the story that I haven’t done or achieved much in my life and especially in the last 12 months.

So I wrote out a list like a resumé to put things in perspective and as a reminder for how much I have done and “achieved” (whatever that means in 2020).

I’m looking back 11 years, because in 2009, I finished my Master’s degree at university in Austria and took off on a one-way ticket to India. From then on, I was on my own.

Here is what I’ve been up to since:

• Scuba dive instructor in Indonesia and Australia (2009-2011 and 2012)

• Trainee in a PR agency for startups in Berlin (2011/2012)

• Started my first blog ‘A Life of Blue’ (2011)

• Quit my PR job and started freelancing doing social media management, online PR, building websites and translations (2012)

• Started travel and digital nomad blog Planet Backpack (2012), which quickly became Germany’s most famous travel blog

• Published my e-book course for location-independent entrepreneur newbies (2014)

• Co-created Blog Camp with a friend (2013-2017)

• Started ‘Live Your Heart Out’ (2017) plus online apparel shop

• Launched ‘The Art of Vulnerability’ program and a personal branding online course (2017)

• Ran ‘Find Your Magic’ Online Program (2018)

• Launched Co.Create membership program

• Officially announced my creative sabbatical and shut down Co.Create and all courses (March 2019)

• Did several photography and filmmaking projects such as TFP shoots and short docu films (2019)

• Wrote my book (summer 2019)

• Ran Inside/Out, a mindfulness and emotional intelligence workshop week (Feb 2020)

• Started my Breathwork Practitioner training in March 2020, which is ongoing until January 2021

• Co-organized a free 30 days of meditation challenge with weekly workshops with 800+ signups (April 2020)

• Launched ‘The Breath Circle’ podcast with a friend (May 2020)

• Book launch of ‘Find Your Magic’ with German publisher GU (June 2020)

Looking at this list, I feel invited to be more compassionate with myself.

And to inquire deeper into the story of why I feel like I am not good enough.

What comes up intuitively around that:

• I haven’t been creating consistently for almost a year due to a breakup, crazy corona times, my breathwork practitioner training, a new relationship and needing time away from displays. Since creating is like breathing for me, I have been experiencing a kind of creative constipation and inner frustration.

• I am not making a regular income - which is what I decided when I went on my creative sabbatical, but I didn’t think it was going to last this long. I haven’t put out any paid offerings, so people can’t even give me money if they wanted to (duh!). I’m still okay for a while to come to live off my savings and from selling my travel blog last year, but not having money come in every month is starting to feel yukky.

• My social media channels are not really growing much, which is not surprising as I haven’t been very active.

In summary:

It’s been a thin year in terms of creating stuff, making paid offerings, earning money and business growth.

Things feel stagnant.

However, I want to add that during those 11 years I also dealt with a lot of depression and heartbreak that prompted me to go on a massive healing and integration journey to wholeness. You can read up on that here.

I have achieved a lot in terms of my personal growth and inner healing - especially also in the last twelve months.

Inner work is work as well, damn it.

We never really take that into consideration when we talk about productivity and success and “getting things done”. Our patriarchal system doesn’t account for that when we talk about success (that’s for another essay).

What is becoming more clear to me is that there is no going back to how I used to do things. I have changed, the world has changed. Things that worked in the past aren’t working anymore.

It looks like I have to re-introduce myself.

Hi, I’m Conni. I am currently deeply passionate about mental health and psychology, processing emotions, Breathwork and the creative process.

Let’s see what’s next.